my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
