but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
