I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
