I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
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