you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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