Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
