I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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