i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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