He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
