I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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