I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
