got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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