Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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