Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
