i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
