I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
he shaved USA in his pubs
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
