my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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