My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
you never un-have a 4some
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
