oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
