I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
