things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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