U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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