you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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