So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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