Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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