if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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