My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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