My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
