So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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