the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
