i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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