Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
