You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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