Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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