I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
