I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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