i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My bed smells like the plague
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
