I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
