Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
