I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
