i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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