So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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