I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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