you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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