I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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