one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
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