if i can run in heels then i can drive
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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