All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
