I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
