It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
