I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
