Grow some girl-balls and come out already
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
