he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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