Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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