Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize