She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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