I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
