i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
