Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
